Recently, Jim Bob Duggar wrote an open letter to fathers (nevermind the mothers, it seems — the father is the person who is supposed to be the one in charge of the whole household) that has some heartbreaking content. He says that his wife was on birth control pills, but that they weren’t aware that the pills could cause a miscarriage.
What isn’t heartbreaking, and is pretty disconcerting, is that after the miscarriage, they decided to “give this area” to God and see children as His gifts. Which, once it’s translated out of Christianeze, means that when Jim Bob wants to have sex, they have sex, and always without birth control because the child (in spite of it being a direct result of Jim Bob deciding to have sex) is a gift from God. And yeah, it’s when Jim Bob wants to have sex that sex is had. As his wife once put it:
[Wives should] be available [for sex], and not just available, but be joyfully available for him. Smile and be willing to say, “Yes, sweetie I am here for you,” no matter what, even though you may be exhausted and big pregnant and you may not feel like he feels. “I’m still here for you and I’m going to meet that need because I know it’s a need for you.”
I have some experience with this theology, having been brought up in a similar tradition. And, this business about children being a gift from God is dangerous bullshit, for at least a couple reasons.
First, it takes the decisions as to whether or not you’re going to have children out of your hands and puts them into a standard decided by an imaginary being who has no grasp on the reality of your situation. Jim Bob specifically states in his letter that he and his wife decided not to wait until they were “financially able” to have children or until they “had all [their] ducks in a row.” No. This was a blessing from God, who was in control of all those circumstances — so, the message goes, you can and should ignore all those circumstances and trust in God, letting him plan your family.
What I hate about this message is that it lays a guilt trip on families that are not as well off as the Duggars, or families in which a pregnancy might result in severe health problems and risks for the mother. It portrays them as not accepting God’s gift — giving them the false idea that if God didn’t want them to have a child, He would keep them from getting pregnant. I also hate that it basically drafts women into service to have children, regardless of their personal desires or their personal goals. The great God and Ruler of the universe is trying to give you this gift of children, the message goes. Who are you to refuse?
Second, the child is looked at as the property of God for the entirety of His life. Admittedly, this might not be so bad…if God had a better opinion of children. But as it stands, the Bible’s attitude towards children is fairly disturbing. There are places in the Bible that say that parents who spare the rod hate their children, that folly is in the heart of children and the rod is needed to drive it out, that tell parents to “not withhold” punishment with the rod if they want to save the child’s soul from death, that state that a rod and reprimand brings wisdom but an undisciplined child is a disgrace, and that even state that disobedient children must be stoned to death.
And even the idea of a child being the property of an imaginary being that is being given to the parents is problematic. The subtext of thinking of a child as a gift for you seems to — and actually often does, in practice — take away the child’s autonomy in disturbing ways. In Jim Bob’s scheme, this child is here to, perhaps, make the parents look good or God look good, and to serve God — not to be its own independent person. And this is dangerous, because when the child is empty of their autonomy, when they are seen as valuable property instead of individuals in their own right — well, bets are off. You can treat them however you please — for the good of God. You might even, as the Duggars did, hide the fact that your children were molested by their older brother, because ultimately their lives are not their own…they are gifts to god-fearing parents from God, so they’re there to make the family and God look good.
So the prayer of Jim Bob: “Lord, help us to love children the way that you love children, and Lord we want to receive each one as a gift from you” — is fairly disturbing. God is absolutely brutal in the way He views children as, basically, foolish people whose disobedience deserves death. No — don’t love children like that, and don’t see them as owned by God or gifts from Him. See them as individuals in their own right, to be treated with respect and dignity. Your job as a parent, it seems, is to teach them the skills they need to live healthy lives. It’s about them. It’s not about God, and it’s not about how much of a personal gift they are to you — the pleasure they bring you is a side benefit. Fundamentally, child-rearing, it seems clear to me, should be about the healthy, the care, and the love of children.
Something that, obviously, Jim Bob Duggar could probably learn a bit better.
Thanks for reading.