I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about God and Christianity lately. Most of the reason why is that I recently stated that I wasn’t an anti-theist anymore. That amounted to no small reaction around the blogosphere I’m part of, and so I took some time out to rethink and review things. Was I wrong?
Do I have the definition of “anti-theist” wrong?
Am I the product of a too-Christian past that I need to get away from?
Am I too concerned about “politeness”?
Isn’t what matters is the truth? Shouldn’t I be anti-lie?
And so on. It’s all very complicated, to be sure, but I keep having trouble embracing the title “anti-theist.” It just doesn’t resonate with me. Truly and honestly, it doesn’t.
I don’t want to preach something that I don’t think is true.
I still have a lot of problems with Christianity. When I switch over to the “Catholic” or “Evangelical” channel on here, a lot of the stuff still makes me angry.
But…I’ve also seen people in deep, profound suffering find hope in some concept of God. And I think there’s something to that. I’ve seen too much of it to think that there’s not.
And yeah, I’ve been disillusioned. I’ve been made cynical by atheism I’ve been involved in. A lot of the stuff that has happened and that I know involves specific people (no, this has very little to do with The Amazing Atheist, for those of you who kept up with that drama), and I don’t want to name names. Suffice it to say, a lot of it has to do with people fairly close to me in proximity and a lot of people on the interwebs.
I know, it’s not about people; it’s about truth. Or at least that’s the line.
But here’s the deal: I get 75 years on an insignificant speck, and no God is out there. It’s just me and other people. This is the only place we can make our lives better. And maybe that’s the truest thing there is out there. Maybe the best thing to do is to focus on making people’s lives better.
This hints at something that makes a lot of people very mad. Stories pile up to the hilt of atheists who have been hurt by religious people. My story is one of them. And I think a lot of people need out of church for those reasons. I certainly did.
I’m not going to sacrifice those people, though. I mean…if you could hear my sister sing, if you could see my nephew laugh, if you could hear my Mom talk about God…and you grew up in it…you’d get it. I really think you would.
With all due respect, you don’t know my life or the people that I know. And I think there are people in my life who are probably happier with a belief in God. And yeah, I know that’s fucked up and it hurts people, and I work to get them to see that, but the world is complicated.
I guess that’s what I’m trying to say. The world is complicated. And now that I’m seeing it up close, I’m getting out a scalpel instead of a mallet. And some of the beautiful parts of people I know are so interwoven with a God-concept that gives them hope and strength for tomorrow that it’s hard for me to condemn them.
And plus…I indulge in prayer now and again. And I don’t believe in God, but I sometimes indulge in the idea of a universal consciousness. It makes me feel very connected to everything, in a beautiful way. A lot of people don’t like this, encouraging me to grimly face the future with a sober acceptance, regardless of how tough things get. But it’s my life. As long as I don’t hurt people, why can’t I seek out ways to enjoy my time here on earth? It’s not much. It’s not like God’s going to send me to hell for it, and the people who hate me for it don’t have to live my life and will eventually be dead anyway.
I think the most controversial thing I’ll say here is that I don’t think the truth always matters. Sometimes, what matters more is beauty. And there are going to be a lot of different ways that people are beautiful, and not all of them are going to correspond to the factual truth.
Besides, I’ve been realizing, lately, that I care about the truth only because I want a beautiful world. I don’t care about the truth for its own sake. I see the truth as a tool, not a principle in itself.
So it’s not about politeness, first and foremost. It’s about me being honest about my doubts as to what will make the most beautiful world we could possibly believe in, and making peace with the fact that I don’t necessarily think the world would all be better if everyone thought just like me.
Anyways…I know this was a ramble. I’ve been mulling things over, and I haven’t really been ranting a lot on here. I’m tired of what Trump is doing to this country, and that’s depressing to write about — but really it’s all what’s worth writing about as far as politics. I’m tired of writing about YouTubers who fight against “SJWs” — I just have a hard time figuring out how people can be so mean, and seeing the cruel comments on the videos of people attacked by popular anti-SJWs is frankly really depressing, and what I do here is a grain of sand on a beach. I’m tired of writing about religion, lately, because I’ve been disillusioned regarding atheist groups, organizations, etc. So I just haven’t been interested in writing much; there has been a bit less incentive/drive to write lately.
So, yeah…I thought, “I’ll just write what I’m thinking,” and this is it.
I’m getting back in the groove of things. But sometimes, the groove is exhausting.
Anyways, thanks for reading.
PS: I have a Patreon, in case you’re interested.