[Image courtesy of Petras Gagilas under Creative Commons License]
1. My parents taught me to seek and represent truth and authenticity
Growing up, my parents taught me that I should not blindly follow human authority – I needed to see whether what other people said to what was actually true. I also was taught to always be honest; if I did not believe something was true, I was morally obligated to be forthright; lying and hypocrisy was unhealthy. While God was the source of truth growing up, the drive for truth and authenticity my parents planted in me gave me the courage to leave religion when I might otherwise have stayed out of blind faith in respected church leaders. My continued honesty regarding my stance towards religion is also largely an outgrowth of the respect for truth my parents cultivate.
2. My parents demonstrated empathy
My mother (as well as my Dad, but my mother, especially) is very passionate about loving and giving and caring for other people. Her example is part of what drove me to be more empathetic, and as I got to know more people, my empathy became increasingly incompatible with a comfortable belief in hell. Without that empathy I would not have reached out to as many agnostics and atheists, and without that love and care for them I would not have been able to empathize with them and see the merits of their perspective.
3. My parents ensured I had a strong knowledge of what the Bible said
Growing up memorizing hundreds of verses, having daily Bible studies, and reading the Bible about an hour a day due to a deep, sincere faith in God that I shared with my parents gave me a fairly thorough knowledge of the Bible that I carry remnants of to this day. Had I not known the Bible as well, I would not have been able to compare it as aptly to some of the things I learned or seen how it applied or didn’t apply to my own and others’ lives. I also would not have struggled with interpretations of difficult passages nearly as often when I came across contradictory information. It would have been possible for me to leave Christianity with less knowledge of the Bible, but knowing the Bible fairly well allowed me to leave with a more detailed list of objections – thanks to my Christian parents I left Christianity because I was informed as to what the Bible said, not out of ignorance.
4. My parents showed that committed love was possible
My parents are in a long, committed relationship going on 33 years now, in spite of their occasional disagreements. Far from keeping me Christian, witnessing their committed love for each other – which in many ways extended to me – showed me that they would still love me even if I became an atheist. Although I would not advise other mothers to make this decision — simply because of the enormous commitment it was — my mother decided to homeschool her seven children through high school. The close family relationship we developed as a result showed me that I would be loved and cared about no matter what. Things were rocky when I came out as an atheist, but somehow we managed to make it work. This security mattered a lot to me throughout my struggle as a Christian and when I decided to become a non-Christian and, finally, an atheist. They showed and continue to show that they care.
What did my parents do wrong?
My parents have often have pondered what they may have done wrong to make me an atheist. I think it’s not what they did wrong that made me an atheist, but what they did right. If my parents had made blindly following people a higher priority than seeking Truth, or had taught me that love and empathy were less important, or taught me less about the Bible, or made it clear that their love was dependent on whether or not I was a Christian…who knows? My guess is my story would be different. I would probably be a Christian, still. But because of conscientious, loving parents, my love for God and thirst for truth led me to replace a love of God with a secular, honest love for humanity that is manifested in what I do, say, and write.
Although I know it sounds a bit rude to say this, I mean this sincerely — I am deeply grateful to my parents for their hand in raising me to become an atheist — so much so that I have tried several ways of telling them this, politely, to no avail. So I’m reaching out, potentially, to other parents out there. If we atheists are actually right (and I obviously believe we are), it’s no surprise that decent parenting, even from religious people, would produce atheists. If anything, many of us see our atheism as a compliment to the way we were raised, though it does, sometimes, sadden us that you’ll never see it that way.
In any case…somehow it’s cathartic to say, “Thanks, mom and dad, for the hand you played in my becoming an atheist.” Because, through the teared-up eyes looking at this laptop screen, I’m profoundly grateful for it.
I really, deeply, sincerely am.
Thanks for reading.